just a bad day

im pissed. im not satisfied. i dont know how i feel exactly. i love him. but there is just something that is happening lately that makes me feel if i am the one for him. i know i wanna be with him coz he reflects positively of himself. and i am the vice versa. i am seen as a bad person. i am seem as being useless. i am seem being good for nothing. well except education. thats the only thing that i was proud of. but today, even though i still possess the bad characters in me, i know deep inside that i have the potential to do something that i have never done before and have the capabilities to stand on my own without the help of an adult to 'feed' me. yes, i am spoilt but i believe that everyone deserves a chance to change and improve on what has been lacking. yes, i can change but i cannot do this on my own. i need moral support, encouragement, motivation to influence my behaviour. i want someone to recognise my efforts when i did something that i used to drag myself to do it. i want to hear ppl praising me instead of always telling me that i always do the wrong things. changing takes time and it is a step by step process. u cant expect someone to change by a huge leap, right? it is the small steps that makes a big difference in one's life. as for in this relationship that i am currently in, i love this relationship and i want this to go on as far as possible. both of us loves winning. neither of us wants to give up when one doesnt agree with another. one will ultimately give way and compromise and what sucks is that most of the times, it is always him compromising and i am the one feeling bad and the one who is seemed wrong. but now i can see some changes. he would give in sometimes and at other times, he wouldnt. at times, i find that it is so difficult communicating with him and i have to correctly placed my words and make sure that the words do not come out wrong just to avoid fighting with him. sometimes being quiet is the best but thats not how i want my relationship to be. i want this based on sincerity and honesty. i dont believe in keeping to oneself. a partner should be someone one is comfortable talking to and not someone who is afraid to. i want true feelings to show. yes, sometimes the truth hurts but it is better to let it all out rather than keeping it inside. being in a relationship has many of its responsibilities too. one may like but the other may not like. it is hard pleasing our partners sometimes. sometimes i think i know him but sometimes i dont think i know him. what should i do now? i am also worried about my future. i have always wanted to fly with an international carrier. it is the ambition that i have been holding on to since i was a little girl. i love travelling and seeing new places and learn more about people and their cultures. there are things that are holding me back though. the suckiest is he told me to let him go if i have decided to fly after my graduation. it just makes it harder for me to decide. yes it is hard leavin behind my family and friends and him. but i did not expect him to say such to me. according to him, he did not wanna get hurt knowing that ill be having a super fun time there partying and fooling around with other men. how can he assume? its not fair. how can he assume that i will fool around and be outta control? it has my dream and ambition to fly and be part of a cabin crew. im just in a dilemma now. i dont know what to do. i dont wanna throw away my ambition just like that for him and at the same time, i dont wanna lose him. i feel so childish right now and silly but hey i am stuck between him and my ambition to fly. bear in mind that flying is something i enjoy and love doing. sucks!